|So Xanga kinda sucks now. I'm going to be writing posts to my new site from here on out:|
I'm joining the navy by the way. Dunno when I'm leaving yet but I'll try to let everyone know on my new site.
~Chris (ubuntu AT gridrunners DOT com)
|It's 2:00 AM. I wish I could fall asleep. I've got things I need to do tomorrow, and I need my sleep.|
But I can't. I'm surrounded by memories. They're racing through my mind, making it impossible to rest. Memories of our beginnings, our lives together, and the end of "us."
The end isn't what hurts the most. It's the beginnings, and the times we've spent. The emotions of the past. Our love, our desires, our dreams. Those things, so important and so beautiful... The things I destroyed.
I can't think of anything else. I can sometimes distract myself by books or everyday activities, but at night, when it's just me and my thoughts... They all turn to you, and I can't sleep.
Sometimes the memories are so powerful they make me break down and cry, sometimes I feel like I'm going to panic... The things that once made my heart sing with joy now cause the deepest pain I've ever felt.
This is all my fault.
I wish I could make it all go away.
Then again, I don't.
Despite the suffering caused by these memories, I never want to forget what we had. I loved you then, and I love you now, and even though I've ruined everything, even though we've split apart, I still sometimes dream of what could have been. And I always hope that someday, maybe, those dreams will become realistic again.
Probably not. But I can't bear to live without that hope. So please don't squash it.
I know you hurt, too. And I know that your pain is at least equal to mine, if not greater. And I know that it's my fault.
I'm sorry, Ashley.
I hope sleep comes easier to you.